Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Galaxy, this is Kyrn Heoru-Gard with the Galactic News Corporation's 2700 Hour Broadcast. Earlier this evening, our local offices recieved a strange parcel. It was a ratty old brown envelope, covered with what we hope were coffee stains. The contents, however, are the part that interest us the most, and which warrant 'Top Story' status tonight. Inside the envelope we found, after digging through several layers of tissue paper, a holo-disc with the following terrifying message encoded upon its surface.
The holo-signal fizzles for a moment, and then comes back with a clear picture of a makeshift podium standing in front of navy blue background. A tall man walks up to the lectern, accompanied by a retinue of odd characters, most noticeably a Wookiee, a Noghri, and, bizarrely, a Stormtrooper in full armour. Tall, Dark, and Handsome is wearing a small nametag reading "Hello, My Name Is : ZAD".
"Howdy, y'all. Us over here at Eidola would like to extend a warm gesture of friendship towards Pro-Consul Wolf, and wish him the best of luck on his goodwill tour; he always seemed like a goodwill-type to us.
In fact, we're so supportive that we'd like to encourage him to visit Corellia. Not only is it known for it's cuisine and burlesque shows, but there's a very special resort opening up on Corellia in the next few days, and I think we can get him a special preview. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to announce the grand opening of The Pirates of the Keiribbean!
The Pirates of the Keiribbean The Pirates of the Keiribbean is the latest brilliant 5-Star business enterprise coming straight out of the brilliant heads of Teniel Djo, Eli Greenberg, and some dude named 'Adam.' Yeah, I don't know him either. The resort itself consists of some two dozen private luxury cabins, as well a handful of exclusive three-story villas. Scattered around the property are numerous swimming pools with their own fountains, spacious parks with picnic areas, hotels for visitors on a budget, and of course a handful of taverns, all serving the famous "Coruscanta Libra," my own personal invention, in addition to an extended menu of drinks and food. For our first week, each pub will feature a menu prepared by chefs from the Galaxy-famous Cafe Tatooine, Cafe Hapan, and of course the renowned La Belle Aurore, previous of Munto Codru, now a feature on New Anzat. The Pirates of the Keiribbean is located in the city of Cythera, at the global positioning co-ordinates (4,1).
Cythera We would, however, like to caution the Pro Consul. He should be careful travelling anywhere within Imperial territory, as the Imperial Colonial Police have proven to be remarkably ineffective. Since their creation several months ago, they have yet to capture a single Rebel, traitor, pirate, or thief...although they have managed to kill off dozens of innocents whose only crime was to be caught walking around in the wrong place.
The Imperial Colonial Police
Eidola, inspired by the newfound spirit of law and order represented by the ICP, immediately took up the challenge, and began their own quest to eliminate the Galaxy of petty thieves. After one month, Eidola had killed three troublesome thieves, all of whom had targeted the poor and unexperienced. Jaq Gori, Qwas Delso, and Dren Naman will never again again torment the innocent traders of the Galaxy...and neither will Cesto Ode, the second in command of an Imperial-nationalized company. Ode was captured along with Jaq Gori, and was so eager to escape that he offered to sell corporate secrets to Eidola. Naturally, his captor was so offended by this craven degree of corruption that Cesto was executed at once, and thus yet another criminal was killed. And all of this was achieved in a single month, after which the Eidolons responsible took a well-deserved break from cleaning up the Remnant's mess. I myself have spent almost three weeks preparing the Keiribbean to recieve our first guests, and I can say with certainity that our staff would be happy to serve the Wolf-Man of Adbatar." At this moment Zad smiles with satisfaction, and moves to leave the proscenium. He is intercepted by his Noghri companion, who mutters into his ear for a moment. Zad returns to the podium, and resumes speaking. "At this moment, I would like to throw out major props to my homey Garen, holding it down for all the Gees, Pees, and Tees on Coruscant. One love, one thug, K-Dawg.
The video cuts off in a burst of static, and Kyrn Heoru-Gard's frowning face is displayed.
Another shocking and horrifying message from the anarcho-surrealist Eidola Pirates. We'll be back with more after this message from our sponsors.